Ugh, disappointment.

I don’t deal with disappointment very well.

I know that might sound like an obvious thing to say, because, who does?  But I realized today that I really need to find a coping mechanism for that crushing feeling when things don’t quite go the way you hoped they would.

It is partly my fault, because I was looking at things perhaps I shouldn’t have been.  Nothing illegal, mind.  Just that normal curiosity, more so now because technology makes it so easy for us to look back at what people were doing this time last year or the other year, and tally that with what we were doing at the same time.

And that’s when I saw it.  I wish to God I hadn’t.  I wish to God I had Google Imaged Idris Elba instead.  But that split second before my world came crashing down around my ears, right before this stress headache hit (it’s moved all the way down my neck, by the way), that split second before the wave of nausea I still can’t shake came over me- I thought, what harm will it do?  I’ll just have a look.

And that’s when I saw it.  The post that made my happiness a lie and broke my heart and pissed me off and broke my heart and gave me a headache and broke my heart.

I didn’t stop there, by the way.  Sitting at my desk, shaking, trying to act normal so the intern stationed next to me didn’t notice that I was trying not to throw up all over my (brand new) laptop.  I kept looking.  And clicking.  And reading.  I think that’s when the muscles in my neck bunched up and this damn stress headache intensified.

I’m not yet sad.  I’m just pissed off.  Because I had promised myself I would never ever ever ever go through this again.  I’m super pissed that I’ve let myself down, that I didn’t listen to myself, that I didn’t just NOT GO THERE.  I’m disappointed in myself.


And I just don’t deal with disappointment very well.

Comments

  1. Jonathon Wardley2 August 2016 at 14:59

    Curiosity killed the cat as we all know, yet cats continue to ignore this dangerous activity in spite of the historical evidence. They are not stupid animals. It is their curiosity that helps to make them successful as a species. They do not, however, suffer disappointment when their curiosity does not offer what they had hoped. It's why they remain resiliently curious and risk death at the next opportunity. We are slightly (not very), more adept at learning from our mistakes and perhaps can learn to think twice before letting ego, suspicion or the need for reassurance get the better of us. Some stones are best left unturned. Ignorance can be bliss. Sorry you are feeling bad. We've all been there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown3 August 2016 at 14:20

      Curiosity killed the cat,but I like to think satisfaction brought it back. Ignorance can hurt just as much in my opinion,especially if all else around you is in the know and you're the only clueless one. No,I prefer to know, I still choose curiosity every single time,at least then you face reality instead of living in blissful deceitful ignorance. Siima i think you should be proud of yourself for taking the leap,yes, it's hurt like hell, but you'll eventually emerge the winner. The disappointment is only going to make u stronger,it's the how to get over it that's tough.

      Delete
  2. harada5718 August 2017 at 10:45

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

RIP Rosemary

I never met Rosemary Nankabirwa. But I feel so sad at her passing. I feel sad that she succumbed to a disease we are still trying to beat. I feel sad that whoever took the time to announce her death on Twitter couldn't take the time to spell check. I'll put it down to grief. I feel sad that people tried to gain cheap popularity off of her illness. I hope she knew how many people turned out, in their own small way, to help. I hope she knew she was respected and admired. I hope God hears our prayers for her and for her family. I hope. When you lose someone, the world falls out from under your feet. I hope her family is given the time and space they need to grieve and remember her, away from the media, away from those who want to use this to their own advantage. I hope we all learn more about this terrible disease. I hope our government does more to make treatment available for all, regardless of social status. I hope. Rest, Rosemary. You fought your fight.
Read more

Untitled (or, my experience in a toxic work environment.)

I’ve been feeling guilty for the longest time that I haven’t posted on my blog for AGES: I even started questioning whether I could legitimately call it a blog anymore, considering how long it had been since I was inspired to write anything worth sharing. But I woke up yesterday and came across an article detailing a toxic work environment and when I tell you I was TRIGGERED. I know that word is used so often these days, but some of the instances described in that article catapulted me back to a situation I found myself in, that I haven’t felt able to speak about publicly. Until now. I consider myself extremely blessed to have worked in different positions where I was able to pursue my passions and dedicate my talents, all the while working with incredible people and learning from the best in the business. I was transferred from a job I loved, and thought I was performing well at (if my performance reviews were anything to go by, anyway). I didn’t understand why I was being mov
Read more

Stay Out of My Womb, Stay Out of My Business.

Something happened on air this morning that totally threw me off. We were discussing whether or not a parent should compensate a babysitter, or even a friend, if their child breaks something of theirs.  Like a phone, or laptop.  My stance is, if my child broke something belonging to someone I had asked to look after them, I would feel compelled to refund them or at least contribute towards the cost of getting a replacement. Big mistake, so it would seem. A female listener called the show.  Sternly, she asked me if I have any children, to which of course I answered in the negative.  She went on to say that the only reason I had that opinion is the fact that I do not have a child, as no mother would ask another mother to pay for something broken by a child.  (Please note, she ignored the fact that I said I would feel compelled to refund if my child had broken something belonging to someone else.  I didn’t say that I would demand money from someone if their child broke so
Read more